We’re heading into Tent-Pole Blockbuster season, which seems
as good a time as any to recognize a blockbuster of a bad movie. This month, we’re
looking at Anaconda.
You might not remember this, but Anaconda was a surprise hit back in 1997. At a time where horror movies commonly open at the top of the box office earnings and immediately fade into obscurity, Anaconda kept the top spot for two weeks and stayed in the top ten for over a month (sure, it didn’t have the staying power of a Get Out, but it also didn’t have the craftsmanship or intelligence of a Get Out). The film ultimately made over $136 million – not bad for a $45 million movie.
But that’s not the only surprising thing about Anaconda. The film boats a surprisingly impressive cast: Jennifer Lopez, Jon Voight, Ice Cube, Owen Wilson, Danny Trejo, Eric Stoltz… and at the time, it was probably Ice Cube who had the most name recognition. Anaconda is a Jaws knock-off, but one that’s surprisingly effective. And finally, for all it has going for it, Anaconda is surprisingly, awe-inspiringly ridiculous.
We get a good taste of that in the opening minutes of the
film. We kick things off with an opening scroll that describes “tales of
monstrous, man-eating Anacondas”… “the most ferocious – and enormous –
creatures on earth,” capable of growing “as long as 40 feet.” I’m no
snakeologist, but there’s a whole lot that’s factually dubious right there. But
that’s has nothing on this gem:
Unique among snakes, they are not satisfied after eating a victim. They will regurgitate their prey in order to kill and eat again.
First off, What?
Secondly, I think that’s unique among pretty much everything and not just
snakes. And finally… What!?
Keeping the pedal to the metal on the crazy, the opening
sequence establishes that our title character can smell man-flesh from inside a
cabin on the river some 50 yards away. There’s not much Danny Trejo can do as
the anaconda takes out the cabin’s support beams, knocks nails out of the floorboards with its head, and proves to be
apparently bulletproof. Yes, we’re clearly dealing with the Chuck Norris of
snakes.
On to the main plot! J-Lo is a documentary filmmaker, and
she’s teamed up with Professor Eric Stoltz (essentially a nerdy Indiana Jones
here) to sail deep into the Amazon in search of an elusive indigenous tribe
known as “The People of the Mist.” Also onboard the Good Ship Lollipop are:
- Ice Cube as himself if he went into cinematography instead of rapping (don’t worry, the movie reminds you that Ice Cube is a rapper by referencing one of his biggest hits in his first line of dialogue)
- sassy Kari Wuhrer as the sassy production manager
- a very Owen Wilson-ish sound guy, played by Owen Wilson
- Jonathan Hyde as the on-air talent/stuffy Brit who is totally Out Of His Element
It’s not long before the Good Ship Lollipop comes upon Jon
Voight and his outrageous accent shipwrecked during a storm. I’ve been trying
for days to concisely describe the accent Voight trots out for this film, and
the best I can do is “conquistador Godfather.”
Anyway, they decide to take Voight and his outrageous accent onboard, despite
the music telling us that he’s eight kinds of ominous.
Turns out that Jon Voight is an expert spearfisher and has
personally seen The People of the Mist. Indiana Stoltz has his doubts, so it’s
not too surprising that he has a “scuba accident” a few scenes later. And by
“scuba accident,” I mean there’s some weird, poisonous wasp in his scuba
mouthpiece that waited five or ten minutes before stinging him. Oh sure, Jon
Voight and his outrageous accent gives Indiana Stoltz an emergency tracheotomy,
but he’s pretty much out of movie. Ayeah, and the radio is busted.
 |
| Shocking! |
Jon Voight and his outrageous accent offer to guide the Good
Ship Lollipop to the nearest hospital, but it’s pretty clear by now that he has
a different agenda. And that agenda? Hijacking the crew and hunting down
40-foot anacondas. It should be noted that the anaconda in this film is an
impressive combination of pretty good practical effects and pretty dated CGI. The
rest of the film is much like Jaws,
only in this version Quint is a sociopath and the rest of the crew is there
against their will.
So yes, it’s pretty ridiculous. Anaconda is the kind of film where characters have bottles of
“reptile tranquilizer,” and where snakes scream. It’s the kind of film where
we’re supposed to believe that J-Lo can throw a punch and that Jon Voight could
beat up Ice Cube. It’s all very silly, but the film doesn’t seem to have any
idea that it’s silly… which just makes it all even sillier. It’s tempting to
think of Anaconda as the Roadhouse of snake movies.
If Anaconda really
is the Roadhouse of snake movies
(because if it isn’t, what is?), then Anaconda’s
equivalent to the throat-ripping scene comes with the most insane movie kills
ever. I’m going to go ahead and SPOIL it for you, because knowing what happens
won’t make it any less insane for you: Jon Voight and his outrageous accent’s
elaborate death includes a POV shot from six
feet down the anaconda’s throat, only to be regurgitated later, where the
half-digested, should-be dead body of Jon Voight winks at J-Lo.
Okay, maybe the filmmakers knew they were being a bit
ridiculous there.
Congratulations,
Anaconda: You are the Bad Movie of
the Month.
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